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of diesel and dust
Something I can taste whith a fix I can trust
Another high, more potent than lust.
Eating and repeating
like the workings of rust and time.
I woke to the sound and the rhythm of rain
dancing down on the window pane.
Comatose. Eyes half closed.
Arms wrapped up with the wounds all sewn.
I froze from head to toe.
Clenched the jaw,
then felt my body roll over slow.
I must live to know that healing takes some time.
So no regrets, and no looking back to sinking ships.
I'll strip the gauze for a rational self-analysis.
"I'm down. Cut and bound.
Counting scars, and counting blessings loud."
I mist live to know that time alone is always
healing as long as there's bleeding.
No regrets, or falling fits.
I'll strip the gauze and bleed it.
There's no worry.
It's only simple therapy.
Well, it's almost 7AM and I still haven't slept. I decided to make note of my thoughts in this sleepy, dreamy state I live in most of the time. What better way than a blog. I think this is actually the first time I've used this feature properly, opposed to just spamming the fuck out of it in my boredom.
Every week, I usually get 3 or 4 nights of sleep out of a possible 7, and it's been going on for months and months. That was quite a brain teaser for me, because since I stopped sleeping I've totally lost my concept of time among other things.
Whenever I've been awake for 2 or more days I feel like I'm in some sort of dream. It's hard to explain, but in these dreams I can be who ever I want to be.
I'm more confident, if anything. I'm no good at doing the most simple things, but I generally have a good feeling about life. I have all these great ideas of what I'm going to do with my life, but they're always forgotten when I eventually get some sleep.
But, just like anything, these "highs" of sleep deprivation also have a comedown stage.
Everything is just morbid and grey. Everyone I ever loved has abandoned me and it's their fault my life sucks. I'm depressed, I can't cope with the way nothing ever happens and I get pissed off with every little thing I'm able to.
It's an odd thing to say, but the only time when I really feel like myself is when I'm deprived of sleep.
But then again, I cannot honestly remember the last time I actually got a full night's sleep, that wasn't just making up for the 2 days I've been awake for. It's almost like I'm immune to tiredness. My body just keeps going and going without warning until it gets to the point when I can't really move.
I want to get into a good sleeping habit, but it's really not easy. At all.
Every time I've stayed awake, I go to bed really early, then I just sleep through til the next day at like 4PM. Then I can't go to sleep early again, because I've already had 20 hours sleep so I end up staying up all night again. It's not as if I'm not tired, because I really fucking am. I just stare into the darkness where I perceive my ceiling to be, until the bird start singing and I realize that I can actually see my surroundings. It's morning time.
I think i've ran out of what to say for this blog, I feel like I have more though. I don't know.
Well, that's just what I'm thinking at the moment, I doubt anyone will read or care about it.
It just felt good to get my thoughts out into text, thinking the words which then appear on my computer screen. It's somewhat like having a conversation with myself. Ha.
Time for my morning coffee.
Imagine those eyes looking at you while she's sucking your dick.
For I am the Mayor of Albuquerque.
I HOPE I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ANYBODY